A recent issue on the forefront of my mind: the inexorable loneliness that comes with being alive. A topic on which I have expounded at length before but resurrected by a stunted conversation with WillyBee (WallyBee Wibble*) about his placing some internet personal ads and for him it was just for fun but to me even the most casual of ad placers (like B. who over a year ago shamefully and bashfully admitted to placing one, just one, and how I sniggered and guffawed) are basically provoked/motivated by the same thing that makes a desperate, seriously seeking soul post an ad. I remember last summer, that dismal summer of abysmal solitude and soul-seeping alone-ness. And this new online acquaintance who didn't even know my name who asked me to come over his house. He, age 26, unabashedly and almost desperately searching, makes me sad. Makes me think about all the people in the world right now sitting in a dark room wishing someone was with them.And on an even more basic level, the desire for human connections in general.
But for me, I think I am coming to terms with my spinster future. Don't get me wrong, I want to meet people and I am still looking for that kindred spirit of my LM Montgomery based ideal, that person who would be the perfect compliment. (On a different note, is there such a thing, or do we settle for approximates)
Point is, I have grown into my solitude, I think. It no longer bothers me and I no longer try to desperately make it go away. Rather, I think I have gotten to know myself slightly better. In a sense, be my own company. I find myself drinking a lot of tea and sitting and simply reading or anything really, but not scanning my buddy list for someone to IM. I find that I do not, if fact, have to go out all the time. I have developed an appreciation for my loneliness. I do not think it is such a bad thing, to be alone. And I'm not alone, really, I have friends, my roommates. But you get the idea. I'm finally understanding that for at least the next couple of years, it's "me" time. It's self-betterment time.
I know I had a point initially but it's long gone.
*I dunno, but this just came out after I typed "Willybee" which I think in my head I heard as "Willabee" which prompted the rest which I think is a line in a Raffi song? Anyone? Renee?
